Winter

Winter in Denmark is very much like winter here in Walla Walla. It’s cold, cloudy, and quite frankly gray. Streets are devoid of life and you may wonder if people cease to walk anywhere, opting to simply teleport instead. And the very things that are the same between these two places 5000 miles apart contribute significantly to what makes coming back in winter so hard.

Returning was…is terrible. I left in the middle of the school year, on Christmas Eve (arguably the most important holiday to the Danes), and honestly was not ready to return. Behind me were my best friends, my girlfriend and a wonderful place that had a home in my heart. I left people I loved, a culture I loved, and a home I loved. I didn’t notice these so much at first. Of course the goodbyes were rough, but it took time nonetheless to realize the full weight. Here’s how it played out:

Arriving home was a blur. I was excited to spend Christmas with my family and I arrived to “Welcome Home Kyle” on the Christmas tree with hugs all around. Following Christmas was a blur to sort through all the things I returned with and had left behind before Denmark and then pack for college once more. Not much time for thought. When I arrived on campus, not many others were around. I came back from break early. However, some were here and I was invited to go bowling Saturday night. I think that night was the most I was my “Danish persona” since coming back.

The first week of classes is very much a blur in my memory. It’s as if time still ran at the same speed in Denmark. Side note, while Danes are quite chill and simultaneously timely, time raced for me over there. It’s what happens when you spend 90+% of your waking time with other people in social situations on some level. Except instead of being super social during that first week, it was speedy hellos, finding classes, and “professor, I’m gone next week. …” Not that they could do anything about that. Anyways, point is I hardly remember that week. Week two was amazing even though I got so sick I was bed-ridden for a day and some time. I was in Norway to teach skiing and then in Denmark for one last visit. I’ll keep it at that since that’s not the focus here.

Week three was another blur because now I was trying to catch up on week two. And when week four rolled around, reality finally started catching up with me. Life start crashing. My self-esteem, which had built up so much in Denmark crumbled away to dust in what felt like a week. My social confidence as a dean and the responsible adult in the room faded. And my will to be with people vanished like the fog that never lasted past noon. I pulled a 180 and was caught completely off guard. Each moment, each attempt to save face and bring people into my life didn’t seem to go anywhere. Internally, I was emotional and I couldn’t explain any of it. I was critical and annoyed at things that never really affected me before, and even at things that were positive for me in the past. I dug deep into a depressed introverted take on my normally ambivert personality.

Quite frankly, I was awkward. Due to the busyness of the first three weeks, it was during week four that I began to catch up with people. Not in the sense that I had long conversations about where life had taken us, but in the sense that I was literally starting to catch people from my past life for what felt like the first time in months, years. And the moments were all over the place. Sometimes I just stared. I didn’t know what to say or how to approach them. Did they value the friendship that was seemingly there as much as I did? Sometimes I approached for a reunion, only to get cut off by a friend of there’s who was present, and not from the past. Some seemed to take interest in the moment, but like many returned student missionaries I got a sense of lacking genuineness. Others were extremely kind and in a their own ways reached out to me. At the time I was very grateful for that, but then it got complicated, for whatever reason. I thought I was getting people I could depend upon. I mustered up the courage to try to invite them into my life, to do things together. And it almost never worked with most of these people. For some it did at first, but it didn’t last. So on I floated, with no foundation, no esteem, and no sense of social direction or belonging.

As I reflect on these months I have realized two key problems, among many. First, friendships operate differently than in Denmark. There is much less of a middle ground there. If you’re friends, its solid. You know you can count on a good friendship. If you aren’t friends, you’re likely an acquaintance or less. From my perspective, I probably took this approach to friendships coming back, being colder with those I deemed acquaintances and overextending myself towards those I deemed friends. Second problem, I came back in winter. As I mentioned earlier, winter here in Walla Walla is very much like winter in Denmark. And unfortunately this is a significant contributor to problem two. In winter, people gel up. They move indoors to warmth and their friend group solidifies. People have figured out who they can count on from the fall and they cling to these rocks. Showing up in the winter without these fall experiences that provide the foundations that everyone else has…well, you can see where this went.

Full disclosure, I don’t know how to write on. This story is not pretty. There’s no happy ending and no miracles. There are moments of joy, but the grand picture is still dark in my mind. Don’t get me wrong, I had some fantastic moments in the winter. I started having conversations in person with future student missionaries to Denmark. Those are among the brightest highlights to my return experience. There are also times of just crashing at a friend’s house down the street in the evenings or skiing on the weekend. I don’t know how to balance these experiences. What I know is that as a whole picture experience, returning has been among, if not, the hardest whole experience of life thus far. So like me at the end of the quarter, we’ll wait for Spring.

Continuing the story…

The Return Journey

How often does one hear in detail the account of a great journey? Often it’s over time that the processed and sorted account of a trip, reveals itself in pieces: a story here, a story there. Sometimes the authentic, raw, and true account with all its intricacies surfaces years later: a book or a lecture. I would like to try to make an account of my return journey as authentically and accurately as possible, and as close to the current reality as I feel I can. I do not know where this will take me, and I do not know of precedent for such an account given a similar path. But perhaps this will bring to light some of what people may go through on the return of their own great journeys.

Where to begin… returning. The first return flight didn’t particularly feel like returning. In fact, it was more like a short vacation. I knew I was soon going to be back among the students and friends of Vejlefjord and even on campus for a few days in a matter of weeks. Following a rushed goodbye to my girlfriend in Frankfurt as we parted ways for our holiday travels, I landed in Calgary where I got picked up by my dad. The 5.5 hour drive home consisted of stories, sleeping, and catching up. I walked in the door to be greeted by a “welcome home Kyle” sign on the Christmas tree and hugs all around. Christmas day itself was a blur, and the day after my family went on a several day adventure in northern Montana. We spent the nights in a cabin that was well, freezing. The following week was another blur of packing and then driving the 8.5 hours to school and moving into my apartment. I received “welcome back!”s and “you got a haircut!”s as I navigated classes and campus that first week. And some people were incredibly kind to the returning Kyle, genuinely asking how I was doing being back. But I wasn’t really back.

The flight to Norway felt like another return trip, just going home, the end of a vacation. And that week in Norway, teaching, skiing, being sick, all of it was so sweet. As a surprise, I stayed on the bus past Oslo and set foot back on the campus of my beloved school. Over the next few days, sickness subsiding, I made my real, final goodbyes. This time it was real. This time, I knew I wouldn’t be back, at least not the same way, to the same place. I took a late night train to the airport from Hedensted, barely 8 minutes drive from the school. It was dramatic. Some of my closest friends and my girlfriend came to see me off. The clack of wheels on tracks. A goodbye. A whistle. A goodbye. A screech of brakes. Two goodbyes. The pfss of hydraulics as the door opened. A long hug and a kiss. Then three fast steps and numbness. Click clack click clack. Bye.

This flight was real. It was the end but it didn’t settle. It didn’t really register. It was almost impossible to believe and really process, even over the 9+ hour flight from Copenhagen to Seattle. I hardly remember the next week. It was another blur, full of homework, class, odd jetlag, and more homework. And then things slowly started to get real. I wasn’t in Denmark. What do I do? What’s up, what’s down, what’s right, what’s wrong? Do I hug? Do I say hi? Do I pry into peoples lives? Do I share mine? Moments of intense loss and what I could only describe then as “I miss Denmark” came and went at the most random of times. Of course, it was never when people asked how things were going. And I was trying to be authentic, in the moment. So how could they know as I got my coffee or walked between classes? “I miss Denmark” was like a code. One time it meant the country, another time, the school, and another, the people. Layer after layer of complexity came with it. But of course, it couldn’t be interpreted, barely even by myself.

I was like a ghost in a way. People don’t know how to react to us upon our return. How can they? We have changed, they have changed. And in all reality very few of these changes are actually known. What if you saw a ghost of your past, but then it was to be a part of everyday life? What would you say? “How are you?” “What’s the weather been like there…wherever you were?” So I really can’t blame people, and I can’t blame myself. Now what? I write.

To be honest, its still hard. Nearly 4 months after crossing the US boarder and arriving home, I still don’t know have answers to these questions. There are enough complexities that I could write a book. Funny story, someone actually did that. Its called “Re-Entry” and while its not so personal of an account, and is from the angle of returning from being a long term missionary (likely a third world country), it is somewhat relatable. I don’t intend to write a book, but I will write nonetheless. The return from a great journey, is another journey of itself. And on I charge.

There and Back Again, a Student Missionary’s Tale

Disclaimer: I wrote this two weeks ago.

Nearly a year ago, I stood at a pullout on the Chinook Pass near Mount Rainer. A tourist family took my picture, and I took there’s. A week ago, I stood at the same spot, taking a photo with my dad. He was driving me home from Sunset Lake Camp. I must be crazy. I went straight from Sunset Lake to Denmark to Sunset Lake again. I rather like the pattern though. A week and a half at Sunset Lake, nearly a week at home, and weekend camping trip later, I’m back in Denmark. A short trip to my home country.

Similar to Bilbo Baggins, I’ve gone there and back again. It’s been an adventure, that’s for sure. One that’s filled nearly 75,000 words in my main journal of the year. So many stories. So many moments. It’s been fantastic and interesting. I hear that I’ve grown a lot, although I’m not so good at introspection so I can’t speak much for myself. It’s no surprise though. Change is a part of the process of being a student missionary; of throwing yourself into an environment unlike any you’ve been in before.

I noticed some interesting things while in the US, or rather people have noticed some things about me. For starters, some people didn’t recognize me. Example: when I got to Sunset Lake Camp, one friend stared at me point blank for nearly a minute before figuring out who I was. And there were multiple others who stared from a distance before greeting me. I found it hilarious! (Last time they saw me, my hair was past my shoulders. Now it’s short.) Oddly enough, people also pointed out I lost weight. Now I certainly haven’t been watching my weight, and we eat 5 meals a day at my school (fine, 3 meals, 2 half-meals/snack-times), but I lost a substantial amount apparently. My mom was concerned, as moms do. I’m a growing boy after all. However, one of the most surprising things was that I developed an accent. I heard this first from an Australian at camp. “You have a most peculiar accent. It’s quite different.” Surprise! I never expected that. In fact, I thought the students at the school spoke English with no accent most of the time. I knew that my English was shifting towards Danglish, but an accent?

All in all, I’ve had a great time in the US. While it went by much slower than expected, I still expect the next few weeks before school resumes to fly by. Here’s to the next 5 months, and the plans God has in store. And here’s to more blog posts and vlogs, because I am so far behind.

“We”

It was a simple statement. I had said something along the lines of “but here, we do things this way…” Kenney, one the students here at Vejlefjordskolen, cut me off.

“You said ‘we’.”

“What?”

“You said ‘we’. You’re adapting into our culture!”

It was a simple conversation. But that short exchange spoke volumes. In that moment I realized just how comfortable I was here, and how much I have adapted. In that moment, I counted myself as one of them. I didn’t think about or even plan to say ‘we’. I just did.

One of the struggles for me here has been adjusting to the culture; not only the culture of Denmark but of the school. The students are great and I love this place. But it can be hard to tell at times, especially as an authority figure, just how well I fit in and have adapted. Since I got here, I’ve been writing a journal almost every night. Every time I open it, I see the first few thoughts I had of Denmark. It’s a reminder of just how naive and excited I was about this place at the beginning. That’s not to say that there are multitudes of problems that I didn’t know about, or that things are significantly harder now than they were at the beginning. Just that problems have shifted significantly and they feel small when I look back. Now, my life here feels much more natural.

That simple conversation brought the transition to light. I further realize just how much I have changed and accepted. When people ask me, “why did you decide to stay?” I tell them, “I’m not exactly certain why. Now, it’s more like, why not? It feels very natural.” I know I’m right where God needs me to be right now, and I’ll continue to be as long as I can.

Vlog ep11

Halfway There…

The past 7 months have been quite the adventure, to say the least. I have been pushed mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Denmark is amazing. Vejlefjordskolen is the amazing. The people that I’ve met here are amazing. I have learned to take command and lead teenagers, to make jokes with another culture and nearly another generation, and to sit down and listen and talk with students about their lives and struggles. And I am still working on these skills. I learn more every day. I have worked to bring about a skit culture here. It’s slow, but they are gaining interest and attention. I even started learning guitar and training parkour.

I have been here 7 and a half months now. In 3 and a half months I’ll be heading back to the US. It has got me thinking. I’ve thought about my time; what I have and haven’t done. What I can still do; what I will do. As I write this, I’m writing the next skit for Alt-Service which is in a little over a week. I’m also sitting in the dean’s office, listening for noisy students in the night. When I look back, I see ebbs and flows. How my relationship with God, the students, and my peers has shifted.

Oh believe me, there has been highs and lows. There was the success of the first Alt-Service. My, that went so well! I wasn’t expecting that sort of response. It wasn’t inherently mind-blowing, but it exceeded my expectations. And then Gabe suggested we write skits. That was a first for us, and it also exceeded our expectations for success. There was the time I climbed a tree with a student and his climbing gear, simply because we could. Or when all the volunteers got together and made a campfire and swapped memories.

But then there are the other times: the lows. The times where things aren’t perfect. There was the time that we didn’t get as good of feedback on the skit. There was the time that I had to say goodbye to departing volunteers. There are the times that I don’t spend as much time with God and I feel the lack of connection. Mostly recently, there were multiple accidents on the ski trip, one of which resulted in a friend being hospitalized (they will be fine). I learn to move on from the experiences, but it doesn’t remove the experience of learning. The struggle will always be a piece of my past.

It’s the ebbs and flows that drive me on.

Devinsupertramp Status

For years, I have followed and watched the YouTube channel, “devinsupertamp”. Most of his videos are actions videos, but with a fun, silly, and often somewhat dangerous twist. You may remember a while back when I made my second vlog; it was in this style. Last December I made another devinsupertrampesque video, but this time with zorbs. You know, those giant inflatble balls that justify hitting your friends and enemies with great force, launching them into oblivion. As someone says, there’s nothing quite like knocking your friends around like Mario does to Koopa Troopas in Super Mario. Anyways, here’s the video I made. Note: this not a vlog.

A Random Update

Sometimes, you don’t have a theme and you just write things down and post them. And that’s what I’m doing today. So, if you’re ready, buckle in because this is gonna be fast.

I’ve been thinking. And doing. And thinking some more. It’s only been two and a half weeks since the students came back and I feel like I’ve accomplished a lot, although a good portion of the items on my to-do list had to do with my return to the US: applying for internships, figuring out classes, travel plans, etc. I’ve also been working on a project in Adobe After Effects (more on that later) and putting a greater effort into learning Danish.

Story time: I had a movie night in my room with the skrænten guys (my dorm) the first Saturday night back from break. There was 9-10 of them throughout the movie and it was a blast. Lots of jokes. Lots of Danish. But that’s ok because it forces me to think about Danish more.

Speaking of Danish, today I got set up on the kidsschool library system, so now I can borrow books for 1^st graders and learn more words. I’ll just have to spend more time with the students working on my pronunciations. In the words of the schools’ accountant, who by the way is British, “Danish is like Spanish, you pronounce every letter.” He’s a clever, sarcastic fellow.

Now for the throwback. As a kid, I would play LEGO Star Wars at my friend’s house. It was a hoot and a half and the best of two worlds. LEGO was my life, and Star Wars was a great sci-fi fantasy. And I’ve now spent several evenings playing with a couple students in my room. More Jokes. More Danish. Good times.

Speaking of LEGO, I met a freelance designer recently while he was visiting the church here. Of course, I didn’t realize it was him until after I left. Just my luck. (note: watch my vlogs on my UK trip to learn about my luck; good story.) I’ve seen his creations before a number of times and have even taken inspiration. As far as I’m concerned, he’s a mechanical genius when it comes to LEGO. Hopefully, he’ll be back. He’s from Brazil and I work with a student missionary from Brazil and the guy had a good visit so I think the odds are good. Needless to say, I was on cloud nine the rest of the day.

Anyways, that’s all for now. If you forgot to buckle your seatbelt and are still processing the part about Danish in paragraph three, feel free to go back and let your brain catch up; I get stuck there too sometimes. Tune in next week for more of the not-so-secret adventures in the secret life of Kyle Lambert.

2016 in Review – Part 2

2 hours. That’s how long it took for me to be in the sky before it hit me. Seemingly out of nowhere, I was slammed with the realization that I was literally thousands of miles from all people I know, going thousands of miles to a place where I knew no one. It was intimidating, to say the least. If there ever was a point where I wanted to back out and turn around, it was then. Instead, I pulled out the journal that was given to me by the Missions office at WWU and wrote. I wrote about my fears, homesickness, and desire to quit. And then I slept for most of the remainder of the flight. When I got to Paris, all was well in that sense (I had an adventure there, but that’s another story).

I arrived in Billund a bit “dazed”. It wasn’t tangible. And that’s how I felt for the first week. It was surreal, like a dream. I was actually there and with that feeling was all the excitement and energy that I brought with me from camp. I was ready to do something! I just didn’t know what. These were complete strangers. I needed to establish myself first before I went about changing everything. And that’s what lead me down the slightly dismal path of my first 5 months here. Don’t get me wrong, they were good, but lacking in initiative. I didn’t interact with the students or organize events much. In this time, I lost my focus on God. I refocused to “how can I connect and do my job”. It’s this seemingly slight shift that derailed my original mission. But on the way, something beautiful began to form.

It was during these first few weeks that I was talking with another student missionary, Gabe, about my experience and love of theatre. He suggested that I do a skit here for the first Alt-Service (a special monthly church service done in the style of a late-night show). So I searched, found a skit, snagged some students, and directed a skit for this church service with Gabe’s help. And it was a hit. The students loved it and the change it brought from the normal service. For the next service, we went bigger and did three skits, building the entire service around them. This involved over 15 more students. We even wrote the third skit to bring our point home and meet our needs. Again, it was a success. There were some issues coordinating so many people and getting lines memorized, but nothing we couldn’t overcome. We took a break in November and then wrote a bigger skit for the biggest Alt-Service of the year, Embrace.

Embrace is an event where we invite students from all over Denmark to come spend a weekend at the school. Vespers was bigger, Alt-Service was bigger, and there was a third meeting added Saturday night, Julefrokost with Julehygge (Christmas dinner and party). For this weekend, I wrote a two-part skit on open-mindedness. The speaker was from Norway and had a background very relatable to many of the students. But this time more problems arose. The script took longer to write than planned and then some of the actors were slow to get their lines memorized. To make matters more complicated, I was given the task of setting up and running lights in the last few days. It was stressful, to say the least. But in the end, the script was pulled off and the speaker hammered home her point. The students got it. We could feel a shift in the room as she spoke. It was subtle, but we knew that the point was being made and the Holy Spirit was busy.

Skits. It’s been my biggest involvement here outside of my basic deaning duties. And that is where I want to see my role grow here in the next 7 months. Skits are a way of reaching people through more than just words. Actions, colors, expressions, and so many other factors come into play. With a skit, I can take people to another world and show them the results of the words. “Actions speak louder than words”, right? It’s a different context, but I think it still applies to theatre, at least a little bit. So I will continue to write and direct. As I refocus on God, He will continue to do great things here. I firmly believe this. I don’t know if I will see the effects now, or later, even at all. But as I’ve learned over the past year,

Focus on God, and the rest will fall into place.

Vlog ep07

Every wondered what I do here? Well, this is a sample of a few average days.